Surrender? Really?

I watched The Princess Diaries 2 with my sister last night. The queen is lecturing Mia on the terrible situations she manages to get herself into, telling her how people look up to royalty, therefore, their behavior needs to be worthy of that. She says, “Can you TRY to grasp that concept?” Mia responds in frustration, “The concept IS grasped. The execution is a little elusive.” There’s a different concept that I grasp very well in my brain, but when it comes to real life, the execution of the concept is more than just a little elusive. That concept is surrender. 

It makes so much sense in my head. To follow Jesus, we must be willing to give up everything. After all, when we give Him access to our lives, we are saying that our lives are not our own, but His. Honestly, it’s pretty amazing to consider. He knows me perfectly, because He made me, so of course He knows what is best for me. He also knows exactly how my life should look in order to bring him the most glory, which ultimately, is why we all exist in the first place. 

But I have a problem trusting Him. There was a desire I had as a teenager to invest my life in a certain little person’s life. God had different plans for her (and looking back, I am so grateful, for His plans were way better than mine), but I was devastated for a long time. Also around the same time, another little girl’s family moved, and this little girl, too, had played a vital role in my life. Later, my heart was crushed in a different way when I realized that the love I had hoped for was given to someone else. A relationship unravelled. Some of the things which I’ve longed for and valued most have a history of being taken away from me. How do you trust completely when your life is not what you dreamed of? I dream in a desperate way, yet I fear that my dearest dreams won’t ever come true, because I want them so badly. Too badly. 

This spring, I surrendered a dream of mine to God. Yet was it really surrender? For I have been struggling hard lately, longing for this dream. I’ve been angry and terribly jealous as I see one of the things I long for beginning in someone else’s life. Why can others live my dreams, and I can’t? I don’t want to become a cynical, bitter person, but that is the way I’ve been heading. It is a problem when the happiness of other people makes me so upset. Maybe surrender is like forgiveness. You can’t just forgive a person once and expect that you’ll never be mad again. You have to keep forgiving. It’s work. It’s really hard work, and it takes a long time. I think that’s the way surrender often works as well; surrender isn’t an event as much as it is a process. 

Jesus loves me; He really does, and He is not keeping my dreams from being fulfilled to be cruel. He has something incredible in mind. Can I trust His love and His plan? Really trust? Keep surrendering, as often as it takes? There are so many things He knows that I have no idea of. He is good. 

There’s part of a song by Babbie Mason quoted in a book I read years ago: 

“God is too wise to be mistaken

God is too good to be unkind

So when you don’t understand

When you don’t see His plan

When you can’t trace His hand

Trust His heart. “

Okay, Jesus. You’re in control. I am not. I surrender. I choose to trust Your heart.