Single for Christmas

It’s the beginning of December, and the Christmas season has officially begun. I love the Christmas spirit, but I am feeling a little blue at the moment. It’s hard being single in the first place, and it’s hard being single this December. 

Do you find yourself desperately wanting to mean the world to someone? And do you feel like that is not the case?  I’m here to say I know what it’s like. I understand that feeling of desperately wanting to go on a date. I’m feeling it strongly after having spent two weeks in quarantine. It gets lonely, really lonely, even if you have girlfriends or roommates. And sometimes a girl just needs to dress up and spend the evening with a nice guy. Not that I know anything about it, really.  

I know that feeling of not being chosen. It’s not like you’re visibly rejected, because you’re not being dumped, but it is rejection all the same. It’s being passed over, and it hurts. It causes those of us with sensitive natures and insecurities to wonder what is wrong with us. Naturally, one of the main things I wonder is if I’m not pretty enough. Or maybe I’m too weird. I am weird, I admit it, mainly due to the fact that I’m hopelessly old-fashioned. But I like that part of me! Honestly, I couldn’t fit in if I tried. It does seem like it just might have an effect on my lack of popularity, though. 

I live with a tenacious hope, trying to believe in happily ever after. And yet, in the depths of my soul, I’m afraid. Afraid that because I want this so badly, that God will keep it from me. Afraid I’ll always be single. Afraid the right kind of man is never going to want me. And yet, in spite of all the fear, that relentless spark of hope keeps glowing.

I confess I cling to people tightly. At any given time in my life, I believe there’s always been at least one other person that I’ve attached myself to desperately. Is it healthy? No, it’s not. Yet I continue to do it. Old habits die hard, it is said. Underneath my crazy committment, I think there might be a little girl begging for validation. I’m sure we could dig deep into my past and figure out  what happened to make me so needy of the approval of others. But for the purpose of this post, it is sufficient to say the need is there. 

What can we do with our very real longing? There are plenty of cliche answers out there. If you’ve been single most or all of your life, you are undoubtedly sick of cliche answers. Because ultimately those answers are not what we want to hear. I don’t have any new or brilliant advice to offer, but I can sympathize. I’m walking the road of singleness, too, and it is hard.

It’s hard when your friends get married. Of course, you’re happy for them, but the struggle of jealousy is real. And it happens again when your friends get pregnant. You long for a baby of your own, and you aren’t in a position where it would be morally right to have one. So, you go to the weddings… you buy baby gifts… and your heart feels empty. You are happy for them, just sad for yourself. It’s hard when you wonder if you’ll have to buy a house alone or when you live the struggle of working more than one job. It’s hard when you know there’s not a husband and kids to decorate the tree with. I wonder how many women actually dream of living an independent life. I’m sure they exist, but if all women were honest, I’d venture to guess that the number is smaller than it seems. 

Christmas is supposed to be the season for miracles. And if you watch any Christmas movies at all, you’ll know in your heart that it’s also the perfect time of year for romance. 

I want a relationship this winter- somebody to start some new Christmas traditions with. If my life was a Hallmark movie, and it’s obviously not, this is where some nice guy would accidentally bump into me at a coffeshop, spilling coffee all down the front of my coat. He would apologize and buy me another coffee to make things right. And it would just so happen that I’d run into this guy again out looking for a Christmas tree. He’d notice me struggling to get my tree into my car (a tree would never fit in my little car!) and would offer to put it in the back of his truck and drop it off at my apartment. Of course, he’d wonder if I was needing someone to take me to the annual town tree lighting, and I’d graciously accept. And so the story goes… and of course by Christmas Day, I’d be meeting his family, and by next Christmas, he’d propose to me at the coffeeshop where we first met. Hey, maybe I should write these movies- terribly predictable and always with a happily ever after.

Making up unrealistic stories about what could happen isn’t going to cure the loneliness though.  

If you’re single today, I’m sorry. Hang in there. And whatever happens, don’t throw away that spark of hope. There is a God who does see the desire in our hearts, and He is not oblivious to the hurt. And who knows? Maybe Prince Charming will show up in that little coffeeshop tomorrow. Unlikely? Yes. Impossible? No.