Literally, when it rains, it pours, and this year has held so much pouring that there may possibly be an emotional flood. When does it end? It’s like I’m in some bad movie, where one tragedy after another unfolds. Please tell me that there is redemption, because I know I’ve seen some movies where there is none, and it’s not a good kind of feeling at the end. Citizen Kane, Gone With the Wind, Pompeii, and Fiddler on the Roof- no redemption. None. I had so much hope at the beginning of the year. Was it all in vain? Possibly.
I sit here with the lights on my Christmas tree, with the beautiful ornaments that were so much fun to make; a candle is burning on the coffee table, and I even have coffee, but wow, I am lonely. And sad. This is Thanksgiving week. I promise I do have things I’m thankful for, but sometimes, those things can be eclipsed by all that is wrong in our lives. And all that is so not right.
What do you do when you long for solitude and human companionship at the same time? When you think you could possibly contact your extended family to see if you could hang out with them, but you’re also afraid of overextending yourself and making yourself too tired for work the next day? And you know you should take a shower and make some food, but it would be tempting to see if you could run over to your pastor’s house for a while? When you literally don’t know what to do anymore or where to go?
You could watch a movie, or you could actually read your Bible for a change. There’s that scrapbooking project that needs to be finished for a Christmas gift, or you could make a Hot Cocoa sign to hang over your coffee bar. You could pray? Or write. Or just sit and be lonely and hurting and cry. What is the best option? You’ve slept enough- only it wasn’t good sleep. What is the answer in times like these? You could go on a walk, only it’s freezing out there, and you have no desire to freeze. What is it you need?
You didn’t take your medication last night, and you slept on the couch instead of your bed. The refrigerator looks awful, as in, what do the people in this house even eat? Well, I ate an entire box of mac ‘n cheese for lunch, but let’s not talk about that. That’s embarrassing.
Somehow, I feel a little better, just getting it all out like that. Yes, life is pretty bad at the moment. But you’re gonna make it. Seriously, you are. You are loved, wanted, and so strong, Susan. You don’t have to swallow this whole week at once. Just one decision at a time. One baby step at a time. And just in case you didn’t know it, YOU ARE LOVED. Really. Truly. Seriously. Unconditionally.